What on earth have I done now...?

Chronicles of Corum - The Swords Trilogy

2008-05-23T11:07:00.009+03:00

That's the first book of Michael Moorcock I read (and despite all the bad things I am going to say - probably not the last one…)

Some cool stuff:
- the world is flat when ruled by Chaos and round when ruled by Law (By the way, did I mention the) (References: Discworld (Terry Pratchett rulez!), Flatland and so on)
- the “companion of heroes” (and Eternal Champion) (these should fall in a “very cool” category)
- the winged-cat – embellished possible fact

Some weird stuff:
- Vhadhagh (elves) space ships

Some (additional) bad stuff:
- Corum also weeps some (Yeah, yeah – in touch with his feminine side, complex character blah-blah, but still if any - that would have been the perfect moment to stick to the good-old-Cohen-the-Barbarian routine)
- puerile plot – book1 - Good vs. Bad, book2 – Good vs. Worse, book3 – Good vs. The Worst (here is a what you could call succinct review: "just as Corum feels like he has settled down and can start a life he gets sucked into more crap in another world. here life goes to hell again and he must fight a new set of demons and monsters")
- style - over-descriptive, touchy-feely (Rhalina weeps once every 10 pages), far-from-original. (Some descriptions – especially of clothes – remind me of figure skating presenters back in the black-and-white TV era: “she has a matte turquoise dress with pink sequins and beige stockings”)
- crude, naturalistic uncalled-for passages (like the detailed description of the human-flees which populate Arioch‘s (lord of Chaos) body that goes on forever… yuck)
- the cover – terrible(!) (any Photoshop-enabled fan could do a better job – hint: jewel (fly-like) right eye, 6 fingered snake-skinned left hand – photogenic!)

They love unconditionally

2008-05-21T16:17:00.004+03:00

I just found this here. No comment.

"HOW COULD YOU? - By Jim Willis, 2001

If you have a dog - read this story...
If you had a dog - read this story...
If you want to have a dog - read this story...
How Could You? by Jim Willis

When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was bad, you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" but then you'd relent and roll me over for a belly rub.

My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be anymore perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream ( I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs", you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love. She, now your wife is not a dog person‚ ˆ still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy.

Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a prisoner of love‚. As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch ˆ because your touch was now so infrequent ˆ and I would defend them with my life if need be.

I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway. There had been a time, when others asked if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog", and you resented every expenditure on my behalf. Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You‚ve made the right decision for your family‚, but there was a time when I was your only family.

I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her". They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with papers‚. You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No Daddy! Please don‚t let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life.

You gave me a goodbye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and lead with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one too. After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked, "How could you?". They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you, that you had changed your mind, that this was all a bad dream. Or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me.

When I realised I could not compete with the frolicking for attention happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited. I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully, quiet room. She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood.

She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?" Perhaps because she understood my dog speak she said "I'm so sorry". She hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I couldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or to have to fend for myself - a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place.

And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her. It was directed at you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of you. I will think of you and wait for you forever. May everyone in your Life continue to show you so much loyalty.

A Note from the Author: If "How Could You?" brought tears to your eyes as you read it, as it did to mine as I wrote it, it is because it is the composite story of the millions of formerly "owned" pets who die each year in American & Canadian animal shelters. Please use this to help educate, on your websites, in newsletters, on animal shelter and vet office bulletin boards. Tell the public that the decision to add a pet to the family is an important one for life, that animals deserve our love and sensible care, that finding another appropriate home for your animal is your responsibility and any local humane society or animal welfare league can offer you good advice, and that all life is precious. Please do your part to stop the killing, and encourage all spay & neuter campaigns in order to prevent unwanted animals.
Please pass this on to everyone, not to hurt them or make them sad, but it could save maybe, even one, unwanted pet. Remember...They love UNCONDITIONALLY"

Monday

2007-10-22T10:53:00.001+03:00

Monday again... worse - Monday morning... the grass don't grow and all the ships sank ... again... And I miss him... Why the hell do I miss him? ...'Cause spending the weekend - and I mean the WHOLE weekend playing WoW is hardly the way to have a relationship... not when you're almost 30 (god... I'm almost 30)... not ever... And drive 100km for this? ...Why not voice chat? Webcam? Virtual touch, /kiss, /flirt and imaginary sex... (And 100km back)
... and I so miss the /hug and /"It's all gonna be ok" and /"I love you"... /"I like you"? ... /"You're beautiful", /"have nice skin / eyes / any-damned-body-part", /"honey", /"I miss you"

/cry
...

Wedding

2007-10-03T11:05:00.001+03:00

(Friday 17 o'clock)
Him: "So? Are you in the mood for a wedding?"
Me: "Mmphhh... When?" (not "to whom" :) )
Him: "Tomorrow"
Me: "Oh... and do you want me to come?"
Him: "... whatever suits you" (or something equally affectionate)
Me: "... ok" (... if you insist :p)
(Friday 18 o'clock)
... where is it... fuck fuck fuck... looks like one of morticia adams's favorite outfits... and it's not ironed... god i hope i remember how to walk on these... 'cause if i fall i die...
(Friday 19.30) (and 100km later)
Me: "Hello" (with a big smile all over my freshly made up face - isn't it amazing how much stuff you can do while driving?... am i allowed to hug him? ... i'm going to anyway... AND kiss him... feeling really bold today, hm?)
Him: "Hi"
(Saturday 12.05)
Even if i could normally walk in these no one... and i mean NO ONE ... could walk in 30 inches deep dirt on 3 inches high heels... but he is nice to me... and he is (surprisingly) proud of me (.. oh well... not "of" me... but rather of the fact that getting dressed took me about 30 seconds - including hair) ... so it's worth every minute of it (...so what if i have no idea who's marrying who?...)
(Saturday 15.35) (After 1.5 l of wine... each...)
Him: "So... shall we go home ... to sleep?"
Me: "... yep"
... and they should have lived happily ever after...

Late Hate Letter

2007-09-22T18:56:00.001+03:00

So how was that rule again? “I should say when I want something / what I want”… Ok … There it goes… You probably didn’t mean it as nobody means it unless they expect to hear something nice.

I am hurt. No invulnerable logical explanation available… none that I would feel comfortable with saying loud in front of you… I’m not that good with saying things loud anyway… especially in front of someone… especially you.

I spent the last two days or so crying in various (some really embarrassing) places - including the not-at-all-water-proof-keyboard of my (actually the company’s) laptop - and the last two nights drinking unbelievable quantities of red wine (…who on earth taught me this?) (…which didn’t really help… well… as far as I remember) trying desperately to wrap up my dilemmas in an ingestible package. (Not being able to open the last goddamn bottle of wine didn’t help building my self-esteem.)

“You are thinking too much” you would say… and you would be (partially) right… I am also feeling too much … much too much (can you say that in English?) … ok-ok… a lot. So - the first of the numerous valuable conclusions I reached (clear mind - short time - lots of handkerchiefs) is that I’m to blame. Why? Well - first of all - for not being able to communicate so that you could instantly hate me and then I could have the two-years-cool-down-period and then (as I am clearly unable to learn from my own mistakes) try again… and again… and…

Late Love Letter

2007-08-20T14:17:00.001+03:00

Oh brother I can't, I can't get through... I’ve been trying hard to reach you 'cause I don’t know what to do... I’m so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you... (Coldplay - Talk) We're damaged people drawn together by subtleties that we are not aware of... (Depeche Mode - Damaged People) Let's talk, let's talk, let's talk... (Coldplay - Talk)
You didn't try to call me... Why didn't ya try, didn't ya try... Didn't ya know I was lonely? (Frank Zappa - You didn't try to call me) I want you to notice when I'm not around (Radiohead - Creep) Give me real, don't give me fake... Give me peace of mind and trust (Coldplay - Politik) So many words that I, that I can never find (Radiohead - I Can't) What do you want from me? (Pink Floyd - What do you want from me) He knows what he wants. He wants to be loved and he wants to belong (Radiohead - How do you?) Secretly she cries (Muse - Sunburn)
Don't lose you're nerve. Breathe, keep breathing. I can't do this alone (Radiohead - Exit music (for a film)) Can you show me where it hurts? (Pink Floyd - The Wall) Controlling my feelings for too long (Muse - Shobiz) Why don't you like me? (Frank Zappa) Why are you running away? (Pink Floyd - The Wall) Let's talk, let's talk, let's talk... (Coldplay - Talk)